Dank Clank Reviews: Disney and Pixar's Lightyear (2022)

"In 1995 Andy got a toy. That toy is from his favorite movie. This is that movie."

I don't believe you, movie. Now, if you had told me that Andy saw the Buzz Lightyear of Star Command movie from 2000, I could totally buy that. But this movie? No. This movie's too mediocre to be anyone's favorite movie at age seven. If seven year-old me had seen this movie he'd be mildly entertained and then tune out by the time the third act rolled around. Or however many acts this movie has because it takes its sweet-ass time to get the ball rolling.

I'll be honest, Lightyear isn't completely bereft of anything good. There's some bits and bobs I liked. It's well animated. Might be the shiniest Pixar flick I've seen in a while. And the art design isn't half bad. Even if it does feel a bit samey in places. I feel like modern sci-fi has this propensity to incorporate the same cut corners and not quite rectangle shapes into their aesthetics. Like it was all designed by the one dude who keeps getting hired in Hollyweird. CLANK'S NOTE 7/7/22: I do like the redesign of the Space Ranger spacesuit. It has this bulky, Swiss army knife appeal that I found pretty cool. And it does get a more sleeker version by the end of the movie. Which was also cool, but I prefer the first one.

Buzz as a character is pretty stock, but so was the original, to be fair. That was kind of the gimmick he had going in the original Toy Story as well as the Star Command movie and cartoon show. However, what made Buzz so compelling to begin with was the juxtaposition of himself and his fellow co-stars. A no nonsense but courageous figure surrounded by a cast of goofy side-characters. Whether it was with Woody and the gang in the Toy Story films, or his fellow Space Rangers from Star Command, Mira, Booster and XR. Buzz always had a colorful cast to work off of. Elevating both himself, and them by their coexistence.

Lightyear on the other hand has very little in regards to well-written or endeering side-characters. Only one of them I felt was worth a salty fuck. And that was the old lady ex-con, Darby Steel, voiced by Dale Soules from Orange is the New Black. She sorta functions as the Rocket Raccoon of the team. And she actually manages to get a chuckle out of me once or twice. Taika Waititi on the otherhand did not register as funny even once. The guy has like one gimmick and it's so painful to sit through. The rest of the cast I can barely even remember. There was a robot cat merchandise tie-in. How much emasculation do we need to inflict on Buzz by having him pal around with a cat? Not even a cool robot sidekick like XR, just a cat. That's funny, right?

Lightyear has this aggravating tendency to undercut its own protagonist on multiple occasions. More often than not he's having to be saved or assisted by another character. Because we need to hammer in this collectivist theme of "together we am stronk". But they don't give Buzz nearly enough time to actually be competent on his own. Something a lot of great aspirational heroes were capable of back when we still had a society. Instead what we get is >stronk whammen of coloor< having to chaperone Buzz because we need to offset the white male lead with as many diversity hires as we can squeeze in so that Twitter doesn't get assmad. The 2000s movie did the whole stronger together bullshit already and did it a hundred times better than this. And it was a lot funnier to boot.

The whole space travel being mere minutes while everyone else ages years bit is ripped from Nolan's Interstellar. The twist at the end feels like the writers watched the 90s Lost in Space movie. And all it adds up to is a dumb twist that pretty much ruins Zurg for me. And all it does is make me wish I was watching Wayne Knight ham it up. To go on a tangent here; Wayne Knight as Emperor Zurg was Maku levels of both funny and terrifying. Every single moment of him in the 2000s movie and the subsequent series was pure gold. Now contrast that with the 2022 film does. It's Buzz from the future. Or technically, from another timeline that's in the future. Y'see, Buzz's so guilt ridden from his failure to get everyone home that he goes AWOL from Star Command, stumbles across an alien spaceship - don't ask questions, decides to become Zurg, wait for his past self from the current timeline to arrive, all in an effort to go back and make it so that they never landed on the planet to begin with. By this point I had already checked out. Whatever happened to simplicity? This is just needlessly complicated. I'd rather watch the actual evil Buzz Lightyear episode from the cartoon. At least that didn't make my brain cry. Buzz Lightyear is not a complex idea. It's as simple as Buck Rodgers, for Christ's sake...

It also retroactively causes a continuity flub for Toy Story 2. Call it a nitpick, but does anyone recall the climax of TS2? Remember how an Emperor Zurg toy pursues Buzz and the gang all the way until he confronts them in the elevator shaft? A fight ensues with the Collector's Edition Buzz, he's seemingly beaten by Zurg and then reveals that he's Buzz's father. Basically a homage to The Empire Strikes Back. Now you could say that "Oh, it's just a reference" but I don't believe that necessarily. Zurg in TS2 is hardwired to think he's the real deal. Just like Buzz was in the first film. So in-universe, Zurg is Buzz's pappy. Not really, but he doesn't know they difference. He's in-character. Going off his own basic understanding of who he's supposed to be. What Lightyear does with Zurg is lame as all Hell, and causes a continuity problem with the in-universe Buzz Lightyear toyline. Yes, I am that autistic about details like this.

I'm gonna keep comparing this to the 2000s movie, because I strongly feel that Buzz Lightyear of Star Command got it right the first time. The premise is simplistic, but the writing alone is what elevates it. It came at a time where Disney films weren't just the generic dumb as a bag of hammers fodder they've become nowadays. There's plenty of references that adults will get a chuckle out of. And again, Wayne Knight as Zurg is hilarious. Tim Allen is great (although I personally think Patrick Warburton is the better Buzz), and it's just fun. Tonally I'd call it baby's first Guardians of the Galaxy. Lightyear is just so bland and uninspired. Star Command had more going on by comparison and was infinitely more entertaining. I'd be hard-pressed to see any kid that was Andy's age not being ecstatic and overjoyed watcing the cartoon over this film.

Which brings me to the voice. Chris Evans is passable. But, again, he's no Tim Allen. Tim is Buzz Lightyear. He made the character everything he is and who we know him to be. Chris Evans is not a voice actor. He doesn't bring anything new to the table. With Tim Allen or Patrick Warburton they were able to give Buzz a personality. Both with their own unique takes. Tim's was more bombastic and straight faced. When Patrick took on the role for the cartoon, he largely kept to the same formula as established by Tim, but with more of an emphasis on the subdued delivery and dry wit. Which I always felt he was better for than Tim was. Evans just feels like he's doing an impression. A very serviceable impression, but nothing special when compared to the genuine article.

And as far as the whole gay kiss scene goes, it barely if anything factors into the movie. I'm not kidding it's that much of a blink and you'll miss it sort of deal. It's such an afterthought that the entire controversy marketing strategy falls flat on its ass. It really does signify the passive progressive attitude Disney has. They figure they can have their cake and eat it, but it always comes off as disingenuous. Corpos don't care about you. At all. Just ask Big Pharma and all the millions they swindle out of kids, parents, and young adults thinking that a sex change will cure them of their anxiety and depression. Disney wants your cash and they'll do anything to get it. But judging by the box office numbers for Lightyear, they're not exactly getting much of it.

It's a mediocre flick. Largely inoffensive, will likely forget about it as soon as I hit publish, and it doesn't move the needle for me one iota. All I know is the movie from the 2000s and the cartoon series that followed were light-years better. Pun absolutely intended.

Disney and Pixar's Lightyear gets Buzz dressed as Mrs. Nesbit while having a midlife crisis out of ten.